No matter what, you and I will always be...

I wouldn't say its exactly possible for us to be separated. That probably sounds ridiculous considering we've spent most of our lives apart, but we've always orbited each other. Throughout the trajectory of our two lives, no matter how far apart we may have been in terms of physicality, I was always your yin, and you were always my yang, even if that may have been the last thing we wanted. We couldn't help but let our actions and choices reflect each other, every single thing about the two of us being so different in nature, yet these singularities seemed to bring us closer than anything else. It never really made sense for someone like you, so secure in all you did and believed in, to be drawn to me, the complete opposite of what you were. Someone who was incapable of standing on her own even in situations where my very livelihood was on the line, yet our differences did always made room for good conversation, or something like that I suppose. I guess when we first met the two of us weren't really ones for caring about those kinds of things.

I can't help but think of how we both were terrified of so many things, I could never stand bugs, and you wouldn't go anywhere near snakes or any kind of reptile for that matter. But of course there was one fear that we shared, as I'm sure you know, that would be failure. It's arguable which one of us was more afraid of that horrific thing, if you ask I would without hesitation say that it was me who had such a harder time dealing with failing. But regardless of who feared it more, I never stopped thinking about how that was one of if not the only thing we had in common. Back then, we could never quite place why it was something we were both so fearful of, perhaps it was because we believed we would be seen as lesser than if we didn't succeed at every single thing we tried at. Or maybe it had to do with the misconception spread by adults that if we ever did fail, we would be punished horrifically by those around us, most likely it was the latter but I digress for the sake of dramatics. We were just so bound on the fact that we had to be perfect at all we did, so much so that when my academics proved to be at a more advanced level than that of your own, you become so devastated that I believed I nearly lost all connection with you, it was unknown to me at the time that I would still be physically tied to you for many more years to come, despite our schools growing likeness towards me rather than you. To be honest I never liked the attention our school gave me in those following years, in fact I believe it to be one of the many things that contributed to killing me later on.

I loved you, I don't think that was ever something I told you outright, but of course you knew, especially later on in our time together I could tell that you knew and I could tell that you didn't feel the same way I did then. Of course I didn't nor will ever hold that against you, I of all people have become well familiar with the fact that nothing can be done about the feelings people hold towards others. But I will never understand how you were able to look me in the eye and act like you did. I believe it was not long after we initially met that you figured out that I was different, special, as the condescending adults and asshole prepubescent kids would put it. It wasn't an issue early in our lives, back when were little kids and didn't care about the way our brains worked, but as we grew up, and the symptoms of all the wrongness in my brain started to display itself in a more obvious manner than before, you started to act different, if not worse than the way everyone else did around me. You would act as if I was some small child who was incapable of taking care of herself or understanding the way the world worked, but it wasn't as if you actually cared about my feelings or my disorder, you simply played the role of a brave and considerate hero who was willing to be friends with the special kid when no one else would. And of course your act was something that everyone fell for, including myself for some time, I'll never forget those who took pity on you for having to deal with such a dependent and hindered person such as myself, and of course, someone that was so wrongly in love with you.

At first you would talk as if the way I felt wasn't wrong, that it was something beautiful, lying to me just enough to convince me to finally come out of the shameful prison that I had kept myself in for so long, a predator waiting for her prey to come into the light. And it worked, you told me that you held the same kind of incorrect love in your heart as I did, and I believed you, it didn't take long for you to reveal just how deep your lies ran however. I don't think you ever realized just how badly it hurt, to become vulnerable for someone for once in my life just for you to share this part of my soul with everyone around us, you let everyone know that I was messed up, and that you were normal. Despite this you still played the role of someone who loved me, and I let you, all the kisses and dates and nights we shared, I knew it was all fake, but by then I was so deep in that I knew it would just be better for me to stay in the pit of lies you trapped me in. The never-ending insults and back-handed compliments you would give me for years to the point that I simply believed that that's what people did when they were in love, will permanently be engraved into my soul. Despite all this I still loved you till the day we parted.

And once we finally did separate after all those years, such an easy thing it was. I always expected things would end with some big event where you would finally throw me like the trash you pretended I was, but it wasn't like that, it was so simple. One day you were just gone, and neither of us ever turned back. Of course, as I've already stated numerous times, we never truly parted, our lives always being intertwined. From that point forward, where you succeeded in life, I would fail greatly, though that wasn't something I feared anymore, in fact I embraced my failure, because once I started to pursue everything that you and everyone around us led me to believe would ruin my life, I found that I was more fulfilled and at peace than I had ever been. I'm happier now, and despite everything I hope you are too, I don't love you anymore as I'm sure you can tell. I think in another life we could have succeeded in being together, if nothing else than just friends, of course that won't be this one. It's easy for the most part to ignore the obvious ties between our lives, you getting a new pet, mine dying, or when your boyfriend got back together with you the same day my partner and I broke up. I pretend not to see these things, it's makes it easier to sleep at night if I pretend that we never existed, sometimes I'm not even sure you remember me, I certainly don't think you've noticed the way our lives reflect one another. I hope you never do. I hope I never see you again. I hope you stop staring at me the way you do whenever you see me. I wish I could deny the fact the you and I will always be...

Honestly if u read all that I give you a virtual pat on the back cuz I feel like this crap is held together by glue and tape. Sometimes a guy just has to write about the toxic friendship/relationship he was stuck in for the majority of his childhood.(of course using pony symbolism cuz i’m me) something something toxic yuri except I’m a trans guy >_<